I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
We were destined to go to rehab together
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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