1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I wear drunk well.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
