I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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