Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
