watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize