that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
