why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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