worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
