Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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