you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
