Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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