please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
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