if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
