That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
