grandma shit on top of the toilet
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
