You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
