The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
