The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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