fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
