I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
two words...techno handjob
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize