dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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