we have officially lost it.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
