Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
i drank out of a bidet.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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