Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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