I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
