He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Randomize