a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
