I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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