two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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