god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Randomize
