I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize