she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
