i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
