Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
