new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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