Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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