If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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