Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
