I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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