Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
