pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
