I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
50% drunk capacity currently
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
