So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
