please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
