I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
