So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
