i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
