My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
