I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
