Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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