why didn't you poke me back
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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