the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
