piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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