I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Randomize
