From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
