I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Shame - the story of my life.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
